PS Sunstruck

Years ago, our third child had just been born, I opened a gate to the outside world like a drowning person pushing open the door of a sinking car, and started a podcast with a friend. 

I did most of the editing at night, teaching myself Garageband and online publishing skills while frantically working away at my stories. 

I loved it – that sacred space of creativity and seemingly endless potential which I shared with my soul mate at the time, even though it meant adding to my already deadly fatigue and restlessness. 

We managed to publish four one hour-long episodes much in the format of This American Life by the irreverently funny Ira Glass.  

The domaine name has long since expired and so has the site that was hosting Sunstruck.  But the memory of the moments of crazed commitment working on a project with a friend and sharing the product with the world has stayed with me.  

What a great energy we had going!

Love you loads, Susan!!

Stampsized

People habitually reduce others to small, manageable quantities with a certain amount of value attached to them.  

Instead of either trying to understand the many layers of experience, principles and sensitivities which among other facets make up a human being, they reduce them to a simpler format. 

XX is really caring but she tends to get very caught up in little things (meaning: she is nice but kind of annoying and best not to be taken too seriously).

XY is great fun to hang out with, but he tends to be a bit superficial (meaning: although good for a one off he is not somebody to invest much time and energy in).

Just like stereotyping, this kind of reductionist activity helps the one who is “stampsizing” to make decisions on future actions even if they are based on a minimum of information.  

Even if in the short term the plan of action might turn out to be favourable, in the long term, this kind of relationship is bound to fail because it is not built on curiosity but determinism.

The question is what do to do, when people around you have transferred the world into a neat grid pattern with an assigned spot for everyone, including you.  Is it time to revisit what one thinks, feels and communicates or is it maybe time to change the kind of people one hangs out with?

Just so

All my life I have tried to fit in.  I have tried to figure out my parents so that I would not get into trouble while also not having to move along with every one of their whims and moods. 

I found friends along the way and – while often feeling more at ease around them – I have had to learn that friendship too is an ever-changing map.  

Over time I have come to call some of my friends my family and quite a few of my happiest moments have been with that hand picked family, when I am carefree.  When I don’t have to fit in, I simply do.  

Eventually I decided to start my own family with one of these friends, a family where once again I hoped that I could simply be without having to try too hard.  I think it is working out.   

But there are moments, when I am my very best company.  Just in the here and now.  Sitting at the table by my window, as the yellow light turns a soft orange while playing between the petals of the roses which I placed on the table earlier.  

Just so.

A Shadow Hanging over Them

When I was in my late teens and got wind of a dad who had bailed out to seek erotic rejuvenation on virginal shores, I used to raise my eyebrows and dryly diagnose a case of “mid-life crisis.” Not that I have any deeper insights into the torn souls of mid-forty males now that I have reached that critical age myself, where lives notoriously implode, bank accounts disappear, and paperwork is processed assiduously. In fact, I seem to be more puzzled now than in my sagacious teens whenever I hear of someone who walks out on a life they so laboriously created. Clearly, spouses, mortgages and kids can be a real mill stone around the neck, but then, who ordered the pie? How can one suddenly proclaim that it is all too much after diligently adding to it day after day, week after week and year after year? Or rather, how can one suspect for years that they are not the family type, while at the same time fathering offspring, buying second and third cars, and industrial barbecues? Is it that they just thought they wanted it all? Is it maybe that they lack the critical prefrontal cortex activity that would quickly confirm the disastrous effect monkeyish behavior usually produces...? Or is it some sort of awakening, along the lines of “I’m not the man I used to be....” I would agree with that.

Emotional Illiteracy

Needless to say, spending a lifetime with the same person requires a lot of readjustments. Finger pointing won’t get you very far, just as biting your tongue won’t. Part of the exercise will always consist of carefully taking an emotional inventory. That is by far the trickiest task, since emotions usually run alongside our daily all-important routines. They are shoved aside regularly, or else glossed over in photoshop albums and drowned in Shiraz and yet, as far as relationships are concerned, they are the most important factor to take into account when analyzing how successfully we relate to each other - especially over half a century. But they can be uncomfortable like tight shoes or traveling economy and so we tend to avoid facing them and hope that by avoiding them, by not even acknowledging their existence, they will go away. A common fallacy. Instead they fester and end up tormenting us like a rotten tooth. They foul up our lives, they impact our health and they usually mess up our relationships way before we end up on a couch. Understanding our emotional states and finding solutions to identified problems which will take into consideration the larger context is a real skill. In fact, it is part of what makes us human and yet, we mostly fail at it miserably.

Smiles....

"Thank you for being a thinking person! M."

Sad but True

The best investment into her future, a woman can make, is chosing her partner wisely. Is he a fair player, does he have emotional intelligence, is he hard working and able, is he loyal and committed, does he have his hormones under control? Unless she can tick all the boxes, she may as well write off having children and raising them in a healthy environment, she may have to forget about having children at all or else face financial hard ship and old age poverty. This is a human reality still in the 21st century. You know it because are living it, my friends!

Life Camp

In many ways it seems that we are doing well. The house, the career, the kids, health and a pension plan. At times I can spot envy when the relatives are over. Friends, however, know better because they listen and they are smart enough to know that in the end we are all in the same boat, barely scraping over the rocks that lie beneath the surface. Our lives, like those of most families in today’s world, are stretched thin. With long hours spent at work and in traffic and weekends cut short by work commitments, it’s like ships passing in the night. All along, we are led to believe that eventually it is all going to get easier. Our baby boomer parents believed that and those who cashed in on their savings in time probably will keep telling us that. What they conveniently overlook is that since then, salaries have stagnated for the large majority of us and across many sectors they have gone down, while those that find work in today’s struggling economies have no leverage left to negotiate. They work longer hours in exchange for less job security and fewer benefits than ever. Yet, afraid that things could get even worse, we keep plodding on. We throw our lives back on the Interstate every morning and stop by Best Buy on the way home. After all, we are told that consumer spending needs to go up in order to secure jobs...right? Nonsense. Consumer spending needs to stay up to keep us in bondage and the dividends flowing. It is what has turned life into one big work camp where day after day, empty spaces are filled by the anonymous new face. At least with blogspot, twitter and facebook we can wine about it when we find a moment. See, I already feel better. Let’s get on with it then, shall we?

Fearless Friends

Whenever I proffer my sophisticated insights into gender relations, the conversation shifts discreetly. However, I am not easily deterred and I am known to be quite adamant when matters of fairness are concerned. Needless to say, I count some of the hardiest and most amazing women and a couple of more enlightened men among my friends. Those who are not scared to look at the dark side of life.

Too Close for Comfort

All the talk about detachment, bounderies, letting go, lowering expectations...it’s easier said than done.

And for those of us who are not akin to yoga, meditation or vows of silence, a long weekend with the family and even with friends can be a real trial. It’s good when it works out, but it’s also good when it’s over.

The truth is we do seem to get together because we deliberately seek to renew our bond with people in our lives whom we regard as important whether these are siblings, parents, friends, significant others or our children. And without really realizing it, we go into these reunions with a clear objective in mind:

We want it to work.

And that’s where the problem begins. Because as soon as we want something, there is also the fear that we might not get it and with fear there is coping.

We may not realize it, but most of our relationships put us into a coping mode. We either try to be especially fun, helpful, reserved, pleasant, accomodating, organized or flexible to make them work. And by doing so, we become tense and we convey that tenseness, because we are acting out of fear.

Consequently, these kinds of get togethers can be quite irritating as everyone is on their ‘best behavior’ and has their radar tuned in to detect any disturbances in the air, instead of approaching the situation with an open mind.

If we could stop wanting closeness, we probably would have more of it.

Shhhhhh!!

I remember Susan raising her eye brows by a good half inch when during our long conversations in her tree top home in Cahuita the topic of family came up. The power imbalances, the abusive patterns, the codependencies and ambivilant relationships between the members, it took me a while to see it all. Susan was a veteran when I met her and her stories haunt me to this day. But we all get older and we all have stories to share...that is unless we prefer to keep them secret.

Winter Solstice Greetings

December has been good.

There has been a lot of happy anticipation, christmassy stuff going on around the house, music, paper stars and chocolate calendars. The cookies are baked, the cranberries are cooked and the duck is ready to be picked up tomorrow . The house and garden are covered in twinkling yellow lights and lanterns dot the way up to the house.

Matt is mildly bewildered at all the activity around him. He is still in his London routine, but he does like to settle down at night with a shot of Porto and the open tin of biscuits on the table while listening to Zoe’s very own rendition of “Noel” and take it all in.

This is good and it is these little sentimental niches that get us through the winter of life.
Junko’s memorial service is tomorrow.

A funny thing happened...

Susan, my dear friend back in Costa Rica, is quite attached to the word “funny” - especially when it relates to the many unforseen events that life keeps shoving her way, you know, all that stuff that happens while one is busy making other plans...

It seems that having kids exponentially contributes to the amount of “stuff” that can happen any given moment. From little things like scraped knees and barfing pets to bigger stuff such as broken hearts and teeth all the way to the really big crap such as messed up relationships and empty coffres and then, of course, the general horror scenarios of sickness and inevitable death.

And while we usually keep a tight lid on the last category, it tends to linger quite effectively in the back of our minds to make us just a that bit more pathetic when dealing with the lesser upsets.

In fact, having kids and being responsible for them 24/7 is one big lesson in mind control.

So, when dealing with Addy’s Downs Syndrome and a non-supportive con ex, “funny” is probably a healthy way of putting it.

I love you, woman. Hang in there!

You Suck!

Peta thinks I am the worst feminist of all times.

“F... you suck at being a feminist!!” she chided me when I dropped off Charlie’s Angels at her house. She has carpel tunnel and is in dire straights for post-op diversion.

And she is not the only one who thinks that I am not true to the cause. But then, I am not sure there is one cause for women. Peta, for instance, thinks that women are in charge anyway and that men are just bloody jealous.

While not that original, most free spirited women that I know, like to take that route - for obvious reasons... Why sour your life with all the shit that’s going on?

To those women - basically all my female friends - I am a prickly thorn. Although they generally agree with my ranting and ravings, they don’t want to hear about it all. Yet, funny enough they scorn me when they think I lapse.

But in all honesty, I speak less for women than for humanity. I just want people to reach their full potential instead of living lives as abused and abusers. And if hormones are in the way of that, I will name fingers and point names.

And, by the way, I do think Natalie rules!

Small-time Prophets

I am sure she would object to the term “prophet,” or rather she would laugh at me and say, “You are so funny, sweetie!” As if! She really is that, or at least one of them: a small-time prophet.

Leading a quiet life, by example. No big words, no crowds of followers, no fame to be gained. They just do it, because they know it’s the right thing to do. Many of them are mothers. And if they survive the hardships of childbirth and financial dependency, of sleep deprivation and subjugation of some degree or other without much complaint, it is so because they see the bigger picture.

And that’s what it’s ultimately about. The big picture! Of course, you know that it’s not about winning a war, founding the next multinational cooperation, or even becoming head principal. But what are you doing about it?

Well step one would be to adopt the golden rule and to live by it - without any ifs or buts. And believe me, children are good at holding you to it.

It takes a lot of work, most of all on yourself. And over the years, I have seen these women outgrow their partners and consequently being punished by them. A sad thing, but often inevitable in the world we still live in.

Luckily, most of my friends live in societies that embrace at least some basic principles of human (i.e., women’s) rights, so they weren’t burnt or mutilated for having become more self-reliant and independently happy over the years.

But a good life, and most certainly a deserved one, it is not. After having been deserted, betrayed and disparaged like other more notable ones before them, their lives are filled with daily hurdles. But as true captains of their souls, they manage.

Now, that’s an example to follow: Self-reliance and moral rectitude in the face of average human baseness. It’s all that matters.

The good news: These women are everywhere and those smart enough in this world will silently follow their example. Yes, I mean you guys!

Of Things to Come

Jules took the news of his best buddy’s mom dying, as a five-year old would. With extreme poise. Death to him is like a vague other-world, one that adults move around in that is infinitely less interesting than his own universe, which is inhabited by gnomes, talking ants and himself among other cool creatures. And to make us all feel better about his friend’s grim lot in life, he added, “When Ricky’s mom dies, she will come back as a little boy to play with him.” When I told J. that, she said that Ricky had come up with a very similar account of things to come, and that she was looking forward to it.

Dale of Sorrows

My head hurts from hours of silence. Of not crying.
The children have all seen it before, the swollen eyes, the quivering chin.
The days, maybe hours, while J. is still alive.

Screwed

It so happens that all my female friends - the one I have stuck with anyway - are great human beings: smart, kind, witty, perceptive, centered and generally fun to be around.

Moving from place to place, I have made friends with women of all kinds of background, color, nationality, religion, you name it. But apart from being smart, kind, witty, perceptive, centered and generally fun to be around, they all share another characteristic: they are all heterosexual - and, to put it bluntly, it hasn’t done them any good...or most of them anyway.

F... there are a lot of assholes out there!! And it begs the question why these smart, witty and perceptive human beings have put up with them. Conditioning, disillusionment, hormonal knock out?

The fact is, most of my friends have by now been left by at least one of their partners. They are raising children on their own, fighting for child support, coping with insufficient child care and crazy work schedules.

One was deserted when she got diagnosed with cancer in the course of her pregnancy and the guy realized that that was really too much to deal with.

The other was left for some Argentine bimbo half her age, after giving birth to a child with down syndrome.

And then there is K. who for the longest time supported her husband and two sons by working night-times for companies in India and the US, until he thought that it was time to move on.

Most, however, were left before they were introduced to the merriments of motherhood - and that was probably lucky. One because she wanted to read Western magazines and go jogging instead of sitting hour after hour huddled together with her sisters-in-kaw, another because she was too successful, and my gorgeous best friend, because her boobs were not the right size, shape...or was it the circumference...?

My aunt always says there are two sides to the story and I tell her, yes, but one of them is
usually worse than the other and it’s rarely the one cracking the misogynistic jokes. She also says that she knows women who have done exceedingly well after divorces, and I tend to tell her that she is lucky. I know of one, and I am glad for her, even though I would scarcely count her among my friends.

...

J. has gone away over Easter. She is spending a few days on the sea. Tom's family will be there. I don't know whether they will talk. His mom is wonderful, but everyone is in shock. And then there is Ricky. He must not know. Life must go on. Eggs must be found and relished. He does, of course, know something. But that knowledge is feathery. Obscure and shapeless like coins at the bottom of a fountain.

I will be doing some research this coming week. I have got some ideas for treatments from preliminary research. Thanks also to you all who gave me pointers. I will be sorting through them with J. once she gets back. Her oncologist wants her to go for a second round of chemo. Five months. A last chance maybe.

HELP !!! ANYONE, PLEASE !!

My friend is dying. Her cancer has spread. She has ADENO CARCINOMA. She has done 5 courses of the chemo drug CISPLATIN, but it spread into her lower intestines. I cannot believe this is happening. She is 36 and her son just turned 4.
Please, anyone, drugs, pain killers, therapies, medical trials, alternative medicines...please pick your brains. Also, any ideas about good books on bereavement for children? Do you know of anyone else with this type of cancer...or online resources, groups, things to do? All I have been doing for the last thirty-two hours since she told me is fighting back tears and I am not doing such a great job. Actually I am probably the worst friend to have in a situation like this. But I am working on it. Please help, if you can.