For Others

Correct me if I am wrong, but I see some patterns develop in families around midlife, even if at first glance there aren't any visible cracks.

This is how I think it works: Boy meets girl, girl likes boy. Kiss, marriage, baby carriage, the whole works, and suddenly that degree can wait, the job wasn’t really that fulfilling, the hours don’t work out, boy earns more, child care is hard to get by... And all of this is probably true. Sadly so.

What follows is a silent contract, the promise that both sides will fulfill their share in the family enterprise, that they both will keep to their part of the labor contract, because from now on they will inhabit separate work spheres, worlds which will rarely meet.

That requires a lot of trust, maybe even naiveté. Because what will ensue is a sort of schism, a gaping abyss which will prove more and more difficult to bridge as the years pass by and misgivings, spoken or unspoken, will be stock piled behind a façade of good will and determination.

And unfortunately, the big picture doesn’t help either. Because as girl redefines her role in life as one devoted to the well-being of the family, and foremost her offspring, boy defines himself through success measured in power and recognition. And while his position in life will receive bolstering through social bonuses in the shape and form of titles, networks, pensions, and bank accounts, girl will live in the shadow of that plentiful tree and - once again - naively consider half of all this hers.

If she has any wits at all, she may have signed a marital contract, insisted on life insurance, and a separate bank account. But most likely, that sentimental streak in her, that little voice that has told her since she was little that she is special, a princess really, and that nothing bad will happen to her, has silenced all worries and lulled her in a cotton cloud of denial.

As the years go by and the parent evenings, stomach flues and birthday parties start grinding her down, as she realizes that children love their dads just as much as their moms even though they do not help with the homework, pick up the dirty socks, and feed the hamster, they may get a little disgruntled at wiping down toilet seats in the evening, emptying dishwashers in the morning and checking the mail for coupons.

And suddenly, while she is standing there in the kitchen, flipping cheese sandwiches on the griddle, and sunflower oil starts to dot the flabby landscape of her worn out sweater, girl doesn’t look quite that appetizing any more.

Surely, there must be something more to life. In Zoe’s class 6 out of 23 children are raised by their mothers alone. The dads have moved on to greener, lusher grounds. Why get stuck in misery? That’s for others.