What shall it be...

“I think I should go to school. It just doesn’t seem fair, if I didn’t. All my friends have to!” This, Zoë announced the other day as I was stirring an extra helping of sugar into my chipped and battered coffee mug.

Although my immediate response was a gaping jaw and blank stare, I can see her point. Unlike in Costa Rica, most of her friends here are enrolled in some form of formal education. And, as it is, unless she joins the rank and file within the next two years, she will forever be barred from that hellish experience... How will she ever relate? I get it. The only problema is that pulling ones children out of school is much easier done in this country, than actually getting them in.

Let’s say, for instance, in the best case scenario, your children are under thirteen (fourteen years and you may as well homeschool until you drop dead), then the steeple chase across a vast terrain of ifs, buts, and nots is just about to begin.

In our case, the hurdles and ditches are quite substantial and include such foreboding categories as denomination (neither of us are either Anglican or Catholic!!!). The latter rules out one of the major two players in affordable schools. However, we were assured that denomination alone wouldn’t make any difference (we asked)... more important is regular church attendance and a recommendation from the local vicar... Deafening silence.

Then, of course, there is money. With three children, the costs involved in getting them through ‘public’ (read: really private) education may end up making that leap out of a second (no, make that third) floor bedroom window ever so much more inviting.

Ah, and then there is sex: male, female, in between or otherwise...that sort of consideration. Many schools are still single sex, which is just an additional annoyance. If you have both boys and girls, get ready to deal with disjointed vacation schedules, as well as term breaks, half-term breaks, and national holidays that will drive you mad.

Last but not least, to clench buttocks up just a tad bit more, there are so-called ‘catchment’ areas which are ever so tiny for reputable schools and which tend to vary from year to year...so keep your pop-up tent handy.

Say, for example, you have decided that your pocket money just doesn’t allow for lofty academic extravaganzas. You then are left with either making the cut and getting into one of the very few Grammar Schools by answering one hundred and sixty-five questions of the type “CX is to DW as HS is to...???” and “If you change the third letter of all the words in the second column and the second letter of all the words in the third column to make a new five letter word, which word in the first column is an antonym of that word? You have 15 seconds.” Fail this test, and consider putting the house on the market.

Anyway, the message is quite obvious: Come back when you are:
a) rich
b)cunning
c)blasphemous; and/or
d)trans-gender