Lice...

If you’ve got them take a deep breath. It happens just like bad coffee.

We realized we had them the day after my birthday which was lucky because on my birthday I was still running a fever from a virus I had caught earlier that week and was virtually holding on by only a thin broken nail.

But, alas, moms are known to have great rebounding ability. Within less than 24 hours I was ready to take on the next challenge: LICE ON MY ENTIRE FAMILY – INCLUDING MYSELF.

Whom am I trying to kid here? I was not ready. Not one bit.

Fred, my father-in-law, was the harbinger of bad luck and he did so renouncing all attempts at delicacy and opting instead for one hundred percent of humor. He chose well.

Within minutes the girls where up in the maple tree behind the island cabin where they always spend the month of September suspended, high and far above the earthly matters, discussing their favorite haircuts.

It was my ungrateful job then later to inform them that there wouldn’t be any haircuts (at least none involving a professional) before all lice would be gone (lame mom as usual).

My feverish headache was back full blast at night as I tried to figure out the next steps: To bag or not to bag, chemical bomb or oily balm, quarantine yes or no - and if so to what extent - and, also, whom had we been in contact with and had to be informed.

To avoid the list from reaching an absurd length, I decided to help myself to a night cap and laid my prickly head to rest.

We are on day 10 now. Still combing twice a day and keeping with a strict routine of washing all bedding and clothing daily. Zoë and I are looking pretty good and Lea is in the single digits on the nit count. We ended up opting for the natural oil treatment and decided not to bag and instead just store all blankets, comforters, clothes, cushions, stuffed animals (luckily we live on 900 square feet so the amount of stuff is limited). It’s still a shit load of work though.

To this day I have no idea how we got lice, being a homeschooling family on vacation. Maybe it was a good-bye present from Costa Rica. After all, there were an insane amount of warm embraces, slumbery sleep overs and trading of cuddly goods that took place in the last days preceding our departure.

But then, maybe we caught them on the plane ride over here. Why on earth would they have fabric on the passenger seats, anyway? Just imagine the chances of catching something – lice, fleas, bad breath…

Lice have been around for an awfully long time. People probably used to wear hats, hoods, and head scarves to protect themselves from infestation. The good old days.

How on earth, however, did they deal with lice once they got them? I can’t imagine doing it without a healthy supply of the one and only LiceMeister comb, a powerful washer/dryer, and a vacuum. How did they get rid of them – just shaking them off?

But then, they must not have done that great a job, because the critters are still around, traveling the friendly skies, hanging out on the metro, and enjoying the theater…


Anyway, if you’ve got them, this is what you do:

Take a day to get organized.

The lice have to be killed. Most pesticides that can be purchased at drug-stores are not only potentially harmful they also are common to fail (even the cdc webpage admits that). So, I suggest that you consider checking out non-toxic remedies. There are lots of websites. We went with aromacaring.co.uk. Anyway, what will get rid of lice and nits in the end is a steady routine of combing and handpicking.

Store comforters (that you don’t want to wash daily), pillows and items such as chair cushions, stuffed animals, and anything else covered in material for two weeks away from human contact.

Select clothes that can be easily washed and dried for the next ten days to wear and put away all other.

Buy the ingredients for the ‘magic potion’ you decide to go with and make sure you have enough shower caps for two treatments, i.e. two per person. Buy metal lice combs (one per person) and also order LiceMeister combs at headlice.org since they are the best. With a little luck they’ll be there within three to four days.

Wash and tumble dry hot every piece of clothing that may have come in contact with head lice in the past two days.

Instruct everyone in the house not to share towels, bedding, clothing and also limit close contact.

Mix the necessary amount of magic potion and start spreading and rubbing it into the hair. Cover hair with a shower cap keep it on over night.

Vacuum the entire house and any piece of cushion that cannot be stored away (including car seats).

Day ONE (after the treatment):

Strip beds that may have come in contact with lice. Wash and tumble dry hot for at least 30 minutes.

Wash hair and use conditioner.

Get a glass of water, mix in five tablespoons of vinegar and some drops of tea tree oil, grab the combs, and get ready. Start combing in small section from front to back (especially in the back and behind the ears) and rinse off the comb in the glass of water after each stroke. Have a paper towel handy as well. The harvest of (hopefully dead) lice and nits in the first days should be abundant.

Boil the combs for five minutes after each use.

Repeat combing at night.

Make beds and then proceed to wash and tumble dry hot all clothes that were worn that day.

Vacuum where lice may have dropped during the day.

Day TWO through SEVEN:

Strip bed(s) and comb twice a day. Hand-pick nits once the comb doesn’t pick up any anymore. There are always some eggs left – trust me. They all have got to go because otherwise sooner or later (i.e. within three weeks) the lice will be back. It only takes one egg to hatch…Also keep on washing all clothes at night and reinforce the no-chance-for-lice rules. Vacuum where necessary.

Day EIGHT:
At night repeat the oil treatment. Use a comb to make sure the oil gets everywhere. Use shower caps overnight. Wash and tumble dry etc.

Day NINE:
Strip bed(s) and wash hair using conditioner. Comb/hand-pick taking your time. You may find dead lice and nymphs (smaller lice-to-be). Hopefully, they all are dead by now.

Day TEN through FOURTEEN:
Comb daily checking for any nits. If none are found by day fourteen, the nightmare is over.

Day FIFTEEN
Move to paradise and lay off washing clothes for the rest of your life. That, or help yourself to a sufficient amount of Ben&Jerry’s and get the comforters out of storage. You deserve a good night’s sleep...!)