...and I didn't forget it up there!

Thanks to the copious amounts of brandy in it, the xmas pudding hadn't
grown a beard since I last saw it. In fact, it was delicious. Some of it,
of course, we'll keep for another occasion. There surly will be a worthy
one coming up in the new year. By the way, a happy new one to you all!

"Happy Xmas!"

With two kids down with the flu, zero sleep for several nights in a row (what's up with Santa's elves these days?) and an ambitious three day Xmas marathon planned with the family, this could have easily gone south.

Peta, who has sworn off Xmas for good reasons, had let me know early on that no questions would be asked if I showed up on her door steps in blood stained PJs, with a butcher knife in my hands and a crazed look on my face. Really, she said, any time.

But no asylum was necessary (although hanging out with my reformed friend is something I rarely pass up). All was cool. In fact, it was a lot of fun. Zoë was in top form, playing fiddle tunes and singing raunchy xmas carols. My mom was as witty as ever and I, for a change, kept my trap zipped. No blood was shed.

And so, we had a really good time, a "Happy Christmas." And reckless as we tend to be, we may end up doing it again. Just not this year.

Chained

Okay, I am beginning to have not such a great time. I am a sucker when it comes to xmas, so it is pretty hard for me to be in a foul mood at this time of the year, but I have to admit that there are far too few outrageous christmas decorations around. I have only spotted two reindeers so far and they acted kind of shy.

And another thing: what is wrong with keeping the xmas lights on in the streets throughout the day? It IS after all GRAY enough in this part of the world. So why not lighten it up a bit more? Is it wasteful maybe? Is it squandering our scarce resources?

I will tell you what’s wasteful (and it’s not to lighten up a bit for a couple of weeks a year). It’s producing miles and miles of christmas lights that don’t work.

If one is concerned about wasting energy and resources one should start there. Never have I had such a lousy experience getting the lights going around the house. I can’t really blame anyone who doesn’t even bother.

As for me, I am beginning to wonder how many trips to the recycling dump it will take to get rid of all those non-functioning miles of cheap imports. In fact, I am not even sure I am willing to make the trip. These lights may just have to fester in the local dump with all the rest of humanity’s detritus. After all, you gotta start saving energy somewhere.

What's that doing up there

It’s done. I have made a christmas pudding. I am quite proud of myself even though that thing looks pretty vile and mildly aggressive. For now, it’s perched on top of the kitchen cabinet glaring down at us like a fat crow. And I am beginning to think that I might just forget about it up there. After all, I have no intention of laying hand on it. And, as I was repeatedly assured, it wouldn’t do it any harm. Xmas puddings last for years.

For new-comers, these deserts are a mildly puzzling phenomenon, because unlike their name would suggest, they are neither pudding nor uniquely tied to christmas. And even if they belong to xmas like Santa and his gang of elves, this homeliest cousin of all fruitcakes is likely to make a reappearance at many other occasions throughout the year (and not just because somebody forgot to get it down from the kitchen cabinet earlier on).

It’s a strange thing but this smelly calorie bomb will show up again and again at christenings, birthday parties, and even weddings. And much like a grumpy aunt it will sit there and stew for everyone else to see or ignore.

Oddly enough, I can’t remember what sort of wedding cake Matt and I had. But I am sure if it had been a xmas pudding, I would. The resulting trauma would be severe.

And the Next SURVIVAL Winner is...

Six married men 
will be dropped on an island each with one car
and 3 kids (one under age six). 
All three children use some form of car seat.

Each kid will play two sports 
and either take music or theatre classes.

Each man must:
correct all homework, 
complete science/art projects, 
cut finger nails,
cook balanced meals, keep up with the laundry,
routinely review health and safety
guidelines, watch out for perverts, 
recycle, and pay a list of bills with not enough money. 

There is no fast food. 

Each man will be ranked on making his house
a reasonably clean, fun and safe place. 

Each man must also take all three children to
a doctor's appointment,
a dental check-up,
a haircut appointment and
one run to the emergency room. 

He must keep track of immunization records,
passport expiration dates, school application deadlines,
and exam dates for each child.

He must also attend two birthday parties and
organize one himself (including written invitations to at least ten friends,
party decorations, gifts, foods, games, prizes and self-made thank-you notes
as well as a slide show to share with the in-laws). 

He will have to plan, organize, and go on one weekend trip
with all three children.

Each child is allowed one sleep-over and
two play dates at the house per week.

Weekly shopping trips with all three will have to show his competence in
dealing with tantrums, sudden cravings and small injuries.

The men must attend weekly school meetings.

He must participate in two school fundraisers and
organize costumes for at least one school performance. 

At least one afternoon a week must be spent at the park,
the zoo, or a museum.

A fifteen minute night time routine with each child will test their ability to
read, sing and be ready to discuss God, death, and sex when prompted.

Every morning he must feed the children, pack a lunch/snack, make sure
they are dress appropriately, remind them to brush their teeth and comb their hair
and have them at the school gate by 8 am. 

The men must 
shave daily (including legs and armpits), 
wear presentable clean clothes and
appropriate footwear.
They must work out at least three times a week to keep in shape.

At least twice during this time, 
severe abdominal cramps and back aches will be induced.
During this episode he must never complain or 
slow down from other duties. 

As a special challenge, he will be asked to set up an internet business
of his choice that promotes women entrepreneurs in the developing world.

The men will only have access to television/internet/reading materials
after the kids are asleep and all chores are done. 

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each of them
will be required to know all of the following information: 

Each child's current height, weight, shoe and clothes size, 
doctor's name, food allergies as well as 
each child's favorite color, best friend, saddest memory, 
favorite snack, song, toy and book, their biggest fear and 
what they want to be when they grow up. 

The kids vote them off the island 
based on performance. 

The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. 

If the last man does win, 
he is invited to play the game over
and over again and eventually earn the title  
Mom (sorry no cash prizes)! 

Still Standing - one leg only!

In a way it’s all about balance, isn’t it? Balanced diets, balanced opinions, balanced outcomes, we usually give more credit and credence to the temperate zones of our existence. As if we feared to either get frostbite or sunburn if we venture too far.

Maybe it’s the illusion of a safe zone to amble around in. After all, as long as one takes in a bit of everything, you can’t go completely wrong. Of course, as the reverse conclusion would tell you, one will also never be in that case completely right.

But then, what is right and what is wrong often is just a matter of opinion. Generally, truth seems to be hard to come by and even if at hand, it is rarely much appreciated.

Playing it safe in the grey zone may have in fact proven to be of some evolutionary advantage in the long haul. Showing your colors is only for the brave of heart...or slow learners.